Dear M,
It has been a long time since I started writing
again. Truth to be told, writing has been the only medium for my self
expression. I have no courage to speak any of these to your face therefore; I
am choosing to pen my thoughts out in my unsent letter to you.
I don't know why you need to push me so badly;
maybe I don't give you the reaction that you require and maybe that has
occurred to me and maybe that's my way of getting back at you. Why do you have
the need to have control over my life when I obviously do not need you to? Are
you really that in secure; that when you don't get my attention you throw out
your authority at me?
Why is it that when I ignore you, you seem to go
all out on ultimatums with me? Can't you just leave me alone when I don't feel like
I can cope with you at that moment? You want to push me to a decision but do
you know the real reason why I can't reach a decision? It's because I can't
tell you what's really on my mind.
I would like to tell you I think but in my
observation and opinion on how you deal with life's problems assures me that
you don't have the mental capacity to embrace what I have to tell you. Heck,
I've been hiding most my thoughts from you for more than 10 years but sadly I
believe that you are oblivious to it.
I mask all my true agenda by giving you a reason
that you could fathom. You want an answer from me on what I was going to study
next. The fact is I don't even know if I'm going to pursue my studies. Before I
left my job, I was certain that my joblessness would help me in my decision on
how I was going to live my life. Now, I just keep on procrastinating.
I'm probably procrastinating based on my fear of
losing the little control I have over my life or the denial of the inevitability issue
of my life's purpose. I always felt the urge to do good in the world even as a
child. Somewhere along the way, my life conditions have pushed it away but
till now I have always felt its tugging.
There are issues in my life that needs to be
dealt with before I could move on to my decision. I wish you could understand
but I really doubt it. Oh how I wish you knew...
-CJR
